In 2009, at the age of 40 and many unsuccessful attempts to get pregnant naturally, I went through fertility testing. The results of the tests, received September 2, 2009, indicated that I had a follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) level of 20 and 2 follicles in my ovaries. At the time, these results meant nothing to me however I now understand what a low probability I had of getting pregnant. I learned that an FSH level of 20 is quite high while 2 follicles is extremely low. My understanding is the lesser the follicles, the higher the FSH level as your body increases this level to try to stimulate follicle growth in your ovaries (the reason for which it's called the Follicle Stimulating Hormone).
The doctor explained that my only option was in vitro fertilization (IVF) at which point I asked for a detailed description of the process. As she started to inform me that the process began on the 3rd of the menstrual cycle I stopped listening. I was in the midst of my cycle that day and my first day was on August 31 so I began counting. August 31 - day 1, September 1 - day 2, September 2 - DAY 3! Oh my gosh! It was day 3! I asked whether I could start the process immediately since it was day 3 of my cycle. She walked away to discuss this with the Director of the facility, returned and informed me that I was able to start but would have to wait a long while before seeing the next doctor. That day, I began the IVF journey to become a mom. I spent the next 7 days injecting hormones in the morning and evening, going to the clinic every second morning for ultrasounds and blood tests to monitor my follicle growth and hormone levels. The good news was that my ovaries produced 4 - 5 follicles, a very exciting outlook having begun with an indication of 2.
On the 9th day, a procedure to collect the eggs was performed which resulted in 3 eggs, even more exciting! I spent the entire day, evening and night focused on fertilization. I envisioned, reiterated the word and constantly thought "fertilize." In my mind's eye, I could see the two cells in an egg and that's all I could think about. The laboratory called us the following day and informed us that one of the three eggs fertilized. Although my immediate reaction was a disappointing "oh, only one" my next thought was "this is the one! This is my little survivor!" I had an exceedingly positive feeling that this was the one! This was my baby and all would be fine.
The next day, Sunday September 13, 2009 (a day I will not forget) my husband and I went to the clinic to have the embryo transferred into my uterus. Before the embryo is placed into the uterus, it is put on a television screen for us to see, live and real time! I wasn't aware that we would see the embryo, live, so remember feeling happily surprised that I had such a wonderful opportunity to see my future child as a four-celled embryo. Suddenly I realized that this process was a gift. Had I gotten pregnant naturally, I would have missed this, what I feel is a grand opportunity. I was afforded the chance to see my future child start life before it evolved into human form, before it had a heart, before it had veins, eyes, a head. I saw it at the very beginning stages when it was simply four cells wrapped in a protective shield (called the zona) providing it with a safe place to continue its cell multiplication in the process of becoming my baby. They transferred it from the petri dish to a catheter and into my uterus in a very specific location giving it the utmost chance of survival. I was told to lie there for 15 minutes just to give the little embryo a chance to settle in, although it will float around the uterus for approximately 4 days. This was a tremendously exciting feeling and I said, Welcome Home while putting my hands on my lower abdomen.
Then came the two week waiting period which can be excruciating. The waiting period is filled with physiological and psychological changes. I was continuing to inject hormones, progesterone, on a daily basis as part of the continued protocol to increase my chances of getting pregnant. These hormones can give the person the same symptoms as being pregnant which certainly doesn't make it easy during this waiting period. My senses were on hyper-alert, paying attention to every little feeling I had. On one hand I was trying to maintain a calm, even keel and be realistic to the possibility that this might not succeed. On the other hand, staying positive, envisioning being pregnant, giving birth and holding my baby for the first time was also floating through my mind's eye. The challenging part of this two week wait is trying to stay balanced between the two thoughts. I didn't want to be overly positive resulting in a potential crash with disappointment if it failed however I didn't want to exude negative energy potentially sabotaging the success of the embryo implanting. This was the biggest struggle throughout this period of time all the while, your body is feeling every little sensation, every cramp, headache, pain, soreness and/or bloating. Ughhh!
Then comes the time to visit the clinic for the HCG blood test - the test you hope will be positive and indicate that you're pregnant. At the beginning of this process I had envisioned texting my husband "We did it! It worked! I'm Pregnant!" Now I sat in the waiting room waiting to be called in for the blood test. My heart was beating directly into my ears. I had had no bleeding, I had cramps, my boobs were sore and I had headaches. Could I be pregnant? Was this simply a result of the progesterone injections? Am I? Am I not? Try not to think about it because after the blood test comes the call.....
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
What it's like to have an illness that you can hide from no one...
Imagine someone asked you to walk through a huge room of people - some of them friends, most of them strangers. This would be no typical walk about. Before you could begin your trek, you would have to sit cross legged on the floor until both legs were numb. You would have to wear 20-30 pound weights on each leg - that nobody would be able to see. And finally, you would be spun around until you were dizzy enough to nearly fall down. Nobody else in the room would be aware of the pre-requisites to this walk.
As you enter the room, you would use all your energy trying not to make a scene, yet despite your best efforts, you would be noticed. Many would look at you puzzled, unsure what to make of you. Some would offer you a helping hand. Others would wonder if you were drunk and look away with a laugh or in partial disgust. Within minutes you would feel exhausted beyond belief, and would be forced to sit down to regain your strength. While seated you would feel fine and would appear to be normal once again to all, but you would eventually need to get up, and the cycle would begin all over again.
The above situation would be more bearable IF it was a one time occurrence, but unfortunately it's not. You will now wake up every day with numb legs and feet. It will seem like 25 pounds have been added to each leg, and you will have a loss of balance that will make you feel as if you could fall at any given moment. You will have test after test after MRI and eventually be told that you have an incurable disease that generally progresses with time. You will have multiple sclerosis (MS).
So how in the world do you deal with this? I can tell you from personal experience, having had this illness for 17 years, that it's not easy. One of the most important things I've learned in life is that EVERYONE has something in their life to deal with that is just as debilitating to them as the MS is to me. I always remember this whenever I feel like throwing a pity party. So many people today are suffering in silence since their problem is not obvious to all the way mine is. True, mine is a biggie, but I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am today without it.
I have learned what an absolutely amazing husband I have who is always there for me, as frustrating as I'm sure it is for him. Due to this illness, I met some absolutely fantastic people who have become as close to me as sisters. They suffer from the same illness as me, and share the same beliefs as well - that we would rather spend our time finding ways to make the best of our situation, staying as healthy and as fit as possible, helping each other through our highs and lows. The wonderful friends I have who don't share this illness definitely understand and help me in ways too numerable to mention here. And last but certainly not least, I have my family who taught me to be positive no matter what life throws at you.
We are who we are due to our life experiences and how we choose to handle them. No one said life would be easy or fair, but we can make it the best life possible if we choose to make it that way. In my next blog, I'll discuss specific ways I use to stay positive.
As you enter the room, you would use all your energy trying not to make a scene, yet despite your best efforts, you would be noticed. Many would look at you puzzled, unsure what to make of you. Some would offer you a helping hand. Others would wonder if you were drunk and look away with a laugh or in partial disgust. Within minutes you would feel exhausted beyond belief, and would be forced to sit down to regain your strength. While seated you would feel fine and would appear to be normal once again to all, but you would eventually need to get up, and the cycle would begin all over again.
The above situation would be more bearable IF it was a one time occurrence, but unfortunately it's not. You will now wake up every day with numb legs and feet. It will seem like 25 pounds have been added to each leg, and you will have a loss of balance that will make you feel as if you could fall at any given moment. You will have test after test after MRI and eventually be told that you have an incurable disease that generally progresses with time. You will have multiple sclerosis (MS).
So how in the world do you deal with this? I can tell you from personal experience, having had this illness for 17 years, that it's not easy. One of the most important things I've learned in life is that EVERYONE has something in their life to deal with that is just as debilitating to them as the MS is to me. I always remember this whenever I feel like throwing a pity party. So many people today are suffering in silence since their problem is not obvious to all the way mine is. True, mine is a biggie, but I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am today without it.
I have learned what an absolutely amazing husband I have who is always there for me, as frustrating as I'm sure it is for him. Due to this illness, I met some absolutely fantastic people who have become as close to me as sisters. They suffer from the same illness as me, and share the same beliefs as well - that we would rather spend our time finding ways to make the best of our situation, staying as healthy and as fit as possible, helping each other through our highs and lows. The wonderful friends I have who don't share this illness definitely understand and help me in ways too numerable to mention here. And last but certainly not least, I have my family who taught me to be positive no matter what life throws at you.
We are who we are due to our life experiences and how we choose to handle them. No one said life would be easy or fair, but we can make it the best life possible if we choose to make it that way. In my next blog, I'll discuss specific ways I use to stay positive.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The law of attraction is physics continued...
As I mentioned in my previous post, many people had been trying to set me up with Barry who had voiced his disinterest in the past. I forgot to mention that Barry is a doctor which will only be important in the sense that everyone wanting to set me up kept mentioning this. I continued to disregard their requests until the 8th and last one occurred because of its oddity.
Before the oddity - on August 23, 2008 I remember feeling incredibly grateful as I was writing in my journal but had connected my passion for finding the man I wanted with what I was describing over time. I remember writing the following in my journal with a huge smile on my face, sparkle in my eye and passion in my veins (for the first time)
"I want to meet a man who is kind, sweet, loving, caring, passionate, concerned, sensitive to my needs, worldy, intelligent, financially stable, tall, dark hair, physically fit or partially active, humble, enjoys staying home more than going out, runs or jogs, is honest, learns from mistakes, understanding, wise, spiritual, warm, affectionate, loves me for who I am."
Yes I know this is quite a big list, but at the same time it was an honest one, where I was able to identify traits on which I wouldn't compromise and ones where I would. The person with whom I wanted to share my life HAD to be kind, sweet, loving, caring, passionate, concerned (which meant compassionate), sensitive to my needs, intelligent, financially stable, somewhat active, humble, honest, learns from mistakes, understanding, wise, spiritual, warm, affectionate and loves me for who I am. The traits on which I would compromise were tall, dark hair, enjoys staying at home more than going out, runs or jogs.
Now back to my 8th set up:
In the beginning of September my friend went out to a restaurant to celebrate a birthday with a close friend. When they were being seated by the hostess they happened to start a conversation about whether she was single. She informed them that she had recently been set up with someone whom she was dating but continued to say she was to be originally set up with another man. She heard so many good things about this man, a doctor, that she asked my friend if he knew a nice single with whom she can fix him up. My friend immediately called me from the restaurant and said, do you want to be fixed up? I was quite confused by the call and the question - more disoriented - because I knew he had just gone out for dinner with his friend, who was married. What could have happened from then to now that caused him to want to set me up with someone.... I said, what are you talking about? With who? He said, I don't know his name but he's supposed to be a really nice man and a doctor. I said, is his name Barry? He didn't even know his name and I knew immediately, oh my goodness it's Barry! After several days, we discovered that it was the same Barry and I thought, the universe MUST be telling me something. I simply wasn't listening.
Although I thought he wasn't interested, it seemed that the universe, something or someone (many of them) wanted us to go out on a date. I thus went into Facebook, looked him up and sent him a message. I briefly told him how many people approached me over the past year about setting us up for a date and asked if he would be interested in going out for supper. I also told him, knowing or thinking that he wasn't interested, to feel completely comfortable in telling me if he`s uninterested as I understood that we all have our preferences and I may not be his. This was my way of telling him the "banana story" I had once heard on the oprah show.
The banana story is about some people liking bananas while others don't but there's nothing wrong with the banana! If I was a banana and he didn't like them, then I knew there was nothing wrong with me but it was ok for him to tell me that he preferred strawberries : )
He responded that he would love to go out for dinner. In mid-September 2008 we met at a restaurant, I wore flat shoes intentionally, and we had an incredible time. It was first time I felt interested in going with someone a second time because he intrigued me. I could tell already that he was intelligent, worldly, fun, active and really, really nice and sweet.
Five years later, we're married and have just celebrated our daughter's 3 year birthday!! It turns HE IS ALL THE TRAITS ONE WHICH I WOULDN'T COMPROMISE and NONE OF THE ONES ON WHICH I WOULD!
I think it's important to make the "compromise" and "non-compromise" list. To me it equates to the 3rd of law of physics again - for every positive you have to have a negative. You will not get everything you want and HE WILL NOT BE PERFECT BUT HE MUST BE PERFECT FOR YOU!
Before the oddity - on August 23, 2008 I remember feeling incredibly grateful as I was writing in my journal but had connected my passion for finding the man I wanted with what I was describing over time. I remember writing the following in my journal with a huge smile on my face, sparkle in my eye and passion in my veins (for the first time)
"I want to meet a man who is kind, sweet, loving, caring, passionate, concerned, sensitive to my needs, worldy, intelligent, financially stable, tall, dark hair, physically fit or partially active, humble, enjoys staying home more than going out, runs or jogs, is honest, learns from mistakes, understanding, wise, spiritual, warm, affectionate, loves me for who I am."
Yes I know this is quite a big list, but at the same time it was an honest one, where I was able to identify traits on which I wouldn't compromise and ones where I would. The person with whom I wanted to share my life HAD to be kind, sweet, loving, caring, passionate, concerned (which meant compassionate), sensitive to my needs, intelligent, financially stable, somewhat active, humble, honest, learns from mistakes, understanding, wise, spiritual, warm, affectionate and loves me for who I am. The traits on which I would compromise were tall, dark hair, enjoys staying at home more than going out, runs or jogs.
Now back to my 8th set up:
In the beginning of September my friend went out to a restaurant to celebrate a birthday with a close friend. When they were being seated by the hostess they happened to start a conversation about whether she was single. She informed them that she had recently been set up with someone whom she was dating but continued to say she was to be originally set up with another man. She heard so many good things about this man, a doctor, that she asked my friend if he knew a nice single with whom she can fix him up. My friend immediately called me from the restaurant and said, do you want to be fixed up? I was quite confused by the call and the question - more disoriented - because I knew he had just gone out for dinner with his friend, who was married. What could have happened from then to now that caused him to want to set me up with someone.... I said, what are you talking about? With who? He said, I don't know his name but he's supposed to be a really nice man and a doctor. I said, is his name Barry? He didn't even know his name and I knew immediately, oh my goodness it's Barry! After several days, we discovered that it was the same Barry and I thought, the universe MUST be telling me something. I simply wasn't listening.
Although I thought he wasn't interested, it seemed that the universe, something or someone (many of them) wanted us to go out on a date. I thus went into Facebook, looked him up and sent him a message. I briefly told him how many people approached me over the past year about setting us up for a date and asked if he would be interested in going out for supper. I also told him, knowing or thinking that he wasn't interested, to feel completely comfortable in telling me if he`s uninterested as I understood that we all have our preferences and I may not be his. This was my way of telling him the "banana story" I had once heard on the oprah show.
The banana story is about some people liking bananas while others don't but there's nothing wrong with the banana! If I was a banana and he didn't like them, then I knew there was nothing wrong with me but it was ok for him to tell me that he preferred strawberries : )
He responded that he would love to go out for dinner. In mid-September 2008 we met at a restaurant, I wore flat shoes intentionally, and we had an incredible time. It was first time I felt interested in going with someone a second time because he intrigued me. I could tell already that he was intelligent, worldly, fun, active and really, really nice and sweet.
Five years later, we're married and have just celebrated our daughter's 3 year birthday!! It turns HE IS ALL THE TRAITS ONE WHICH I WOULDN'T COMPROMISE and NONE OF THE ONES ON WHICH I WOULD!
I think it's important to make the "compromise" and "non-compromise" list. To me it equates to the 3rd of law of physics again - for every positive you have to have a negative. You will not get everything you want and HE WILL NOT BE PERFECT BUT HE MUST BE PERFECT FOR YOU!
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